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Because, reasons.

 

The long and short of it is that I gave up on my commitment and then things went how they went and I ended up where I ended up.

I got pregnant and had a miscarriage and in that 11 weeks I ate some feelings and a little too many empty calories and I put on a few pounds. Then, I immediately got pregnant again and did what I do when I’m growing a human.

Whatever the heck I want.

At the time, I took on that I had chosen to go off my eating and living commitments and to just be and do as I pleased. Looking back though, I see so obviously that I resigned myself to a comfortable fate.

Reasons are unresolved possibilities, dipped in circumstance and washed down with a cold glass of justification.

I can always come up with reasons. Reasons why I do. Reasons why I be. Reasons why I act or don’t act, speak or don’t speak, eat or don’t eat.

So. Many. Reasons.

Looking back on all of the last two years I feel love for myself and I know that resignation doesn’t make me wrong. It’s just what it was in the moment. And that brings us to now, today, the first of March.

I’m taking on a way of being that creates space for a shift of action and a transformation of my physical body. I’m taking on my sugar, salt and fat addiction. I am taking on being rigorous and mindful. I’m taking on being a contribution and sharing my journey as I go so that anyone out there that thinks it’s not possible to create themselves can watch and see that it is.

Today is day one of a 30 day transformation and tomorrow I’ll share how I intend to drop 28lbs in 30 days, alter my brain to no longer crave foods outside of my commitment and how I intend on moving into a life of healthful, nourished living.

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Choose

I bought this domain with the intent to share something that has completely changed my life. My intention was to share my before and after story and my lifelong struggles with weight and then help others with a cure. The truth though isn’t so clean cut. I still struggle with my weight. I still struggle with food addiction. I don’t have it all together or all the answers or a cure.

I lost 30 pounds last year by eating a high fat and low carb diet. I felt tired and heavy but didn’t really realize it until a friend introduced me to a plant based Nutritarian way of eating. After choosing a plant strong eating lifestyle the rest of the weight fell off. Really. Like pounds each week. Before I realized it I was staring down at the scale at my target weight.

I planned Nutritarian vegan dishes to take to the potluck style family Thanksgiving feast. I said no to cookies and pies and candy. I was thin and cocky. I’m not sure when it happened but it was somewhere near the middle of December I decided to try my hand at will power.

Some would argue that I had already shown amazing will power by losing nearly 80 lbs. but it was honestly just a choice and a commitment. To me, willpower is eating one favorite cookie and not looking at another. Not thinking about it. Just tasting and enjoying the poisonous sugar as one would sip an alcoholic beverage. As an occasional indulgence.

As it turns out, I have no will power and am highly addicted to sugar in all of its refined forms. I am powerless around it. Other than my choice to not be. My choice to choose.

From the first holiday cookie to my last no occasion cookie yesterday I was in a spiral. Today I just woke up and thought,

‘Enough! Today is the day. Today is the day I choose me.’
I went downstairs with thoughts of cookies and peanut butter and honey and vegan brownies in my head. I grabbed a sharpie marker and wrote one word across my left wrist. One word to remind me that I’m not a victim. One word to direct my thoughts toward my commitment. One word to destroy my addiction.

Choose.

I vowed that I would write down my commitment on my inspiration board and that whenever I thought of something outside of that commitment I would write a word that would be a better choice.

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Love
Strength
Beauty
Health
Tea
Vibrance
Life

I am at 7 words to choose at only 1:30pm on a Monday. When I look at my arm I don’t feel shame. I feel power. Every word written in loopy cursive is one less spoonful of peanut butter, one less cookie, one less poisonous addictive food that I didn’t eat. Every word is say I had in the matter. I am cause in the matter of my weight loss. I am cause in the matter of my weight gain. Now, I am cause in the matter of conquering my addiction.

Choose.

That is the most powerful word in my vocabulary right now.

Choose.

If something trips you up, ruins your day, your week, your diet or your self worth…choose. If those things are happening the power has been given away. What are you committed to? Does that nagging thought further the commitment? Choose every second, every minute and every day. Choose you.

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